This has been the pattern of my life; it first came to my attention when I was a teenager when I would be told you are so all or nothing.
At first being young I thought what are you on about?
But on reflection looking back I can see they where right.
You see I just cannot act through life and pretend I feel something when I don’t. I don’t do things by halves; I give my all to what ever I am doing even to nothing.
Through my life I have either been on missions where I am all go, go, go, and I don’t stop until I get the job done even on very little sleep. To laying on the sofa not able to move and the usual housework is such an effort. You could say my life resembles being on a seesaw tipping on the point of all or tipping on nothing. The balance of in between has been a hit and miss or at times lucky to touch base in the middle of both usually on holiday.
I now understand why my life has been a rollercoaster ride of highs and lows with very little in between, because I set myself this way. Or should I say my heart had. It has taken me years and I am nearly 49 this year, to balance my heart so its not so extreme. People used to say as you get older you mellow is this what this means I wonder?
When my children where growing up in our house it was normal for me to change the rooms around every month, because I was fidgety and had energy to burn. When your life is limited in options due to situation and circumstance you turn to what you can do. Turning the house upside down, making it feel all new by moving it around and having a tidy up. Always made me feel better.
Our home was never dull to the random ideas of painting and looking at the walls; I would fix them by putting floor tiles on them to cover up the uneven surface. My all or nothing mind set would not be beaten and any challenge would be faced with challenge accepted no matter what. So this all or nothing gauge that is set inside of myself is handy if you don’t want to give up. I am stubborn and wont give up until I have exhausted every way possible. I am not proud I can let go; I can say I am sorry; I can face anything that life throws at me, with an inner strength of determination of love and passion not fear.
I am not a plodder even though life at times makes me slow down, or as I am getting older my body from time to time slows down. No matter what shape my body is in, my mind is constant working out the next thing to do, thankfully I have not an idle mind. My children reminded me of my fast pace go, go lifestyle when they would say you just cant walk normally can you mum. You rush and walk so fast its like your in a race, I didn’t even realize I did it, I guess all those years bringing up 4 kids on my own and juggling home and jobs didn’t give me much chance to walk slow.
My husband now often says to me what’s the rush? The answer I suppose is I am the rush. Habit over years, fast pace life and juggling your responsibilities. Now I say to my kids I am so lazy and feel like I am in the slow lane now, they reply no your now in the in between and no longer in extreme highs and lows. I have finally reached balance then which is less hectic. Although I am in this phase of my life, the one area that will never change is my heart, and my conscience.
I will never be able to lie or pretend, I have always faced the truth no matter what my punishment. I would rather be honest and face the truth rather than cover my face and hide in a lie.
Ok I have told white lies where it does not harm no one, and really the only person you can hurt is yourself as we have to live with ourselves. Others can walk away from us and go to another room or home or space, at the end of the day we live with ourselves and sleep does not guarantee a break from ourselves if you have an active mind like I do.
Yes honesty is the best policy, no matter how extreme as the truth comes out in the end whether we deny it, voice it, own it or hide it. Truth is truth and my truth is I am an all or nothing girl where I give my all if my heart feels a connection, other times I give nothing not because I do not care but because nothing needs to be said or done. Sometimes doing nothing and not rushing in out of panic gives us space and room to see a bigger picture with more options.
Embrace your all and love your nothing as it the bridge to in between and balance.
Much love to you Dee xx