When I became an orphan at 4 years old I went to live in a children’s home, I refer to it as an institution.
Life was like being in the military in a way growing up in the home, catholic nuns and staff ran it. It ran like clock work, the time we got up, ate or played and even washed and went to bed. It was how it was managed, my friends would ask me what is it like not having a mum or dad, I would reply what is it like having them.
Living in such a way with so much limitation taught me from a young age about respect and rules. We where not allowed to touch anything apart from any toys that where around. Toys where a luxury so a lot of our fun came from our own imaginations. With a house run like a tight ship, we never dared cross the line, as you do not want to have a roof over your head.
Living with so many children from all walks of life, some stayed a few weeks or a couple of years, I stayed the longest that I almost was part of the furniture. You did not have your own belongings not even clothes as everything was shared. You did not get your own space only within yourself. This is where I learnt to live in my own little box of myself. You did not touch anything that did not belong to you. You did not cross the line.
You made your own bed which back then we had sheets so they had to be made like the hospital beds, no matter how young you was your age did not get you out of chores. Everyone mucked in and helped with the many tasks that had to be done so that life ran like clockwork and on time. If you where late you missed out so time keeping was important. We walked to school and made our own way to activities even if it meant getting a couple of buses on your own at 7 years old. We learnt responsibility from a young age even if we had other children to look after as well.
We where like mini adults in a child’s body, we did not have a mum or dad to look over us or guide us or watch us, we had to face life and stand on our own two feet with no one to hide behind. We did not have people we could blame when life went to shit. What ever happened we had to face the consequences of our own actions!
This kind of upbringing harvested my own space in me, what I call living in my own little world. My life was in my own hands, I had to sort myself out, manage myself well as I knew there would be no one else to blame for the way my life turned out only me. It all comes back to the self so I have set out all these years in mastering myself. So I am comfortable in my own space of me. Yes I keep myself to myself only because I cannot control anyone else or manage no one they have to do it for themselves. Yes we all can do with a helping hand of guidance when we need support. Managing myself is a full time job making sure I am being the best person I can be not only for myself but for those I share my life with.
Life is hard enough and I chose to commit to myself to master myself so I knew myself to the best of my ability. This means I cannot distract myself by being nosey in other people lives. This is not because I am not interested in other people’s lives far from it. I treasure other people and value them. I like to meet people from their core being, not from surface gossip or what is written. I like to meet people from their core truth, which they reflect from deep down inside. Not from the surface reflection, which changes all the time, depending on what mood they maybe in.
I do not like to intrude so if someone wants to share with me they do it off their own back and share what they wish, I don’t go searching for it. I respect other people’s personal space, as this space is our gold within us. Some people may judge me odd as I keep to myself and in my own little world. But you know where to find me if you ever need me.
We live in such gold fish bowls where everything is known or gossiped or highlighted, our every move monitored. So if you meet me and find me odd because I do not know the latest trend, or gossip or every detail of people’s lives is because I keep to myself. It does not mean I am not in life, I just choose to not know and would rather meet people with no information about them, so what we share is in the moment not yesterdays news.
I love living in my own little world, who ever finds me and joins me in my own space of my home know you are welcome and safe. Know you are not judged and know you can be yourself no matter how you feel. My little space I live in is a space of unconditional love with no expectations. I wont know what you know maybe in the glossy magazines or news feeds but I am old fashioned and like meeting you for you face to face.
Yes I am different but I am happy to not know so when I meet people its for the first time with no information so I can do my work as a medium without any gossip getting in the way. I offer you space to bring just you and leave the world outside, so what ever I tune into when I do my work comes from a space of respect and love.
I love you enough to let you be you love me enough to be in my own little world no matter how odd it is.
Much love to you