We are encouraged to separate everything from the time of our birth, during pregnancy we are connected via the cord, after birth we are separated. We become an individual by being given a name, as labels are recognized as a way of navigating around. After all if we need anything we just need a label or a heading as an example doctor, gym, shops etc. once we have a label this takes us into the door way of choice, after all there are many cooks, artists, musicians and the list can go on. Headings and labels are useful when we want to find something. The other thing that comes with labels is judgment so if someone did not like what they experienced there judgment could put others off from experiencing it.
How much we follow and go on other people’s advice depends on how much we value and trust ourselves enough to face experiences no matter how many people have tried them before us. Our experiences in life are unique even though we are connected to everyone and everything around us. If you do not believe me then ask yourself how do trends come about? From the amazing product or is it because so and so has it so I have got to have it too. Are we even aware how much we copy or follow others in the must have things we do, after all connection is like a powerful magnet which is why big businesses use subliminal advertising.
The power of the mind, or power of thought suggestion or are we just too scared to be left out. After all the universe does not know separation so deep down inside we know this as it is our natural state, that maybe big businesses know about this too. Look over history and see how advertising has encouraged us to have the next new gadget. Or how our friends sell things to us before we have checked it out by chance on our own. How often do we go blindly so to speak into the world and just check things out without having any prior idea about it or knowledge. Or are you even aware how much you buy is from auto- pilot rather than self – connection. Example I must have these shoes they are the in thing everyone is wearing them, so you buy them and to your horror they kill your feet. Do you decide actually they hurt way too much to wear or do you suffer the pain to just fit in.
I am sure we all have at some point gone through some amount of pain, as they say no pain no gain. So there is no loser’s then only gain even if at times we experience pain with our choices. At times we go blank if we are caught on the spot and asked something like what do you want to eat and you have not got a clue. So you reply anything I am not bothered what are you having? Even if you have the same and don’t like it you may eat it all not being beaten by it or pick at it and make some kind of excuse, after all its only money.
Connection whether we understand it or not is our foundation and backdrop to everything that we do. Even when we are on our own we will be connecting to something on our phones. Even if you travel on your own you will connect to other people and places around you. If we see the world as separate we are forgetting our connection to life. We view the world through point A to point B etc. As if the space between these points are separate, yet they are connected because if they where not connected how would you get from point A to point B. You may have been given a name at birth yet your surname will be the same as the rest of your family. Connection is everywhere and the key that opens and shuts doors, that creates waves of change and introduces trends and must haves. To stand out and be different does not always fit in, yet to be well known and stand out is a must have connection. If you value your self as much as you value the connections you have in your life then you would walk side by side next to everyone. If you place connections above you or on a pedestal then you have forgotten your own connection with yourself and that everyone is equal.
You are the world and the universe through the connection that you are, you will not be forgotten or lost or less important unless you judge yourself to be so. You experience everything that you wish and connect to the places and people that will bring you those experiences. Try being on your own, its hard to find privacy at times without a text alert or the phone rings. Even on holiday we have fun enjoying other peoples company regardless if we never see them again. In that moment connection brings you what you need.
Trying to understand life from the view of separation is like saying you do not exist. You know you exist which is why you have choice. We are connected to the universal web although we can enjoy our own personal space within that web. Like everyone has their own gadget in which to access the computer web, there is not just one computer we can use in which to gain access we have many options and choices. Like we are individually and collectively connecting up and tuning in all the time its just much bigger the universal web.
You may get caught up with other people or you may get caught up in yourself. There is no right or wrong way, there is no blame, it all comes back to the self on what we choose to experience by the connections we access. So the next time you feel left out or not part of the group remember you’re always connected to the universe. It does not matter whether you are conscious of it or not, or ignore it or aware, connection is your core. No one can take this away from you, as you are not reliant on others for connection as it is your natural state. No fear of loss as you do not have to pay for it, or upgrade it, as there are no expectations or judgment, connection gives you the freedom to explore and be you.
Connection is your universal credit card with no limits as it is infinite; it is up to you what you experience through your magnetic core in you. You attract what you wish no matter status or size and shape or form. Connection flows through you, which gives you the power to face what ever you have chosen.
Understanding the power of your connection gives you knowledge and wisdom to realize how separation is an illusion.
Much love to you Dee xx
I cant wait is most probably said before we are born, with mothers saying I cant wait for the birth.
When I look back at my life over 48 years this sentence stands out to me, even though they are these few words of I cant wait. They seem to pack a drive of enthusiasm in some way giving us the encouragement to keep going.
I cant wait is said more than we at times remember; you have all the childhood cant waits. Like when you can’t wait to be tall enough to ride a bike, or old enough to go to playschool, or for your tooth to fall out, or a birthday or Christmas to have that toy. The teenager cant waits for being old enough to go out with your friends, having money, leaving school, buying things, getting a job or going on holiday. The list is endless to be honest we may have a cant wait moment every day and not even realize it.
Does saying I cant wait let people know you have got it as the time waiting we have to fill with something. So declaring you cant wait means you own it, I will have it and what I am waiting for will come at some point. While I wait I just let you know I can’t wait and I am so focused on it right now.
Some may call these moments our firsts, so you can appreciate when growing up pretty much everything at some point is our first moment. Once we remember what something was like we then know whether we want more or not.
When we are bored we may dream about what we would like to do or have or be or own. I can’t wait window-shopping maybe so our imaginations keep working so we don’t get stuck with the same old.
At times it is easy to say I cant wait to do something or want something then when it comes to getting it we may back off and not want it anymore. Is it because it is safer or easier to handle in thought rather than action? I could not wait to reach 16 years old to have more freedom, then that changed to 18 where my life changed completely after that. I did not have so many self wishes of I can’t wait. I became we when I had my children, so my life became hearing cant waits from my children instead of saying them myself so much.
From experience I would reassure my children that cant wait moments will soon be here and what you have been waiting for arrives. It does not always guarantee happiness and contentment but you will get out of your cant wait moments what you have wished for. Hence the saying is being careful what you wish for or do you know what you really want. We may feel we really want a puppy or a loan for a car, with it comes responsibility, have you thought it through? The puppy comes and it’s too much or you wait for a loan only to find the payments are a pain and you cant wait for it to be over. So our cant waits are like a double sided card, on one side the cant wait is new and exciting, turn the card over once its been used and not new anymore, it becomes boring and less exciting. So now I cant wait for this to end is more the focus, so I can focus on a new cant wait moment to replace this old boring one. Maybe you could say we have upgraded I cant wait moments.
Life is targeted at the young, from pregnancy through to teens and 20s, and 30s, leveling off when you’re in your 40s. Yet when you’re young and in your teens you think life is targeted for the adults and not about you. You don’t often hear people say I can’t wait to be 50 or 60 or 70 the only age people aim for past 90 are 100 to get a card. So the cant waits are for more the young, as by the second half century you have done most things, the cant waits maybe making changes and visiting different places, you could say they are repeated cant wait moments.
Right now as I type I cant wait for my cold to go, nothing new had them before its just I could do without it. Yet catching things is common as we share everything in the world, we share everything even down to the I cant waits.
I am sure you’re saying I can’t wait for this post to end ha ha.
So the next time you say I cant wait know your involved and connected and meeting life half way, to be bothered to know you are looking forward to something in a cant wait fashion.
Enjoy and embrace your goals, your plans and dreams as life really does flash before your eyes, one minute your 21 the next nearly 50. It does not feel long ago I was the teenager of the moment, now I watch teenagers of today having fun, and dropping them off as I have reached the generation I saw growing up as the old ens. Are we really ever old? Yes our body changes over the years yet inside I still feel the same, just its hidden and not on show so much anymore. It is not my center stage as it once use to be, now I am settled not searching so much anymore just enjoying living.
The next time you say you cant wait smile to yourself and embrace the journey, a journey that never ends.
Much love to you Dee xx
When I became an orphan at 4 years old I went to live in a children’s home, I refer to it as an institution.
Life was like being in the military in a way growing up in the home, catholic nuns and staff ran it. It ran like clock work, the time we got up, ate or played and even washed and went to bed. It was how it was managed, my friends would ask me what is it like not having a mum or dad, I would reply what is it like having them.
Living in such a way with so much limitation taught me from a young age about respect and rules. We where not allowed to touch anything apart from any toys that where around. Toys where a luxury so a lot of our fun came from our own imaginations. With a house run like a tight ship, we never dared cross the line, as you do not want to have a roof over your head.
Living with so many children from all walks of life, some stayed a few weeks or a couple of years, I stayed the longest that I almost was part of the furniture. You did not have your own belongings not even clothes as everything was shared. You did not get your own space only within yourself. This is where I learnt to live in my own little box of myself. You did not touch anything that did not belong to you. You did not cross the line.
You made your own bed which back then we had sheets so they had to be made like the hospital beds, no matter how young you was your age did not get you out of chores. Everyone mucked in and helped with the many tasks that had to be done so that life ran like clockwork and on time. If you where late you missed out so time keeping was important. We walked to school and made our own way to activities even if it meant getting a couple of buses on your own at 7 years old. We learnt responsibility from a young age even if we had other children to look after as well.
We where like mini adults in a child’s body, we did not have a mum or dad to look over us or guide us or watch us, we had to face life and stand on our own two feet with no one to hide behind. We did not have people we could blame when life went to shit. What ever happened we had to face the consequences of our own actions!
This kind of upbringing harvested my own space in me, what I call living in my own little world. My life was in my own hands, I had to sort myself out, manage myself well as I knew there would be no one else to blame for the way my life turned out only me. It all comes back to the self so I have set out all these years in mastering myself. So I am comfortable in my own space of me. Yes I keep myself to myself only because I cannot control anyone else or manage no one they have to do it for themselves. Yes we all can do with a helping hand of guidance when we need support. Managing myself is a full time job making sure I am being the best person I can be not only for myself but for those I share my life with.
Life is hard enough and I chose to commit to myself to master myself so I knew myself to the best of my ability. This means I cannot distract myself by being nosey in other people lives. This is not because I am not interested in other people’s lives far from it. I treasure other people and value them. I like to meet people from their core being, not from surface gossip or what is written. I like to meet people from their core truth, which they reflect from deep down inside. Not from the surface reflection, which changes all the time, depending on what mood they maybe in.
I do not like to intrude so if someone wants to share with me they do it off their own back and share what they wish, I don’t go searching for it. I respect other people’s personal space, as this space is our gold within us. Some people may judge me odd as I keep to myself and in my own little world. But you know where to find me if you ever need me.
We live in such gold fish bowls where everything is known or gossiped or highlighted, our every move monitored. So if you meet me and find me odd because I do not know the latest trend, or gossip or every detail of people’s lives is because I keep to myself. It does not mean I am not in life, I just choose to not know and would rather meet people with no information about them, so what we share is in the moment not yesterdays news.
I love living in my own little world, who ever finds me and joins me in my own space of my home know you are welcome and safe. Know you are not judged and know you can be yourself no matter how you feel. My little space I live in is a space of unconditional love with no expectations. I wont know what you know maybe in the glossy magazines or news feeds but I am old fashioned and like meeting you for you face to face.
Yes I am different but I am happy to not know so when I meet people its for the first time with no information so I can do my work as a medium without any gossip getting in the way. I offer you space to bring just you and leave the world outside, so what ever I tune into when I do my work comes from a space of respect and love.
I love you enough to let you be you love me enough to be in my own little world no matter how odd it is.
Much love to you
Dee xx
If you are anything like me money has been a rollercoaster ride of highs and lows. Just about having enough to be able to have a holiday to being so on the floor that debt is way above my head to juggle. To just getting by week to week on the pounds I have for basic living. I always said to myself when I was younger money would not define me or stop me from living no matter what.
My relationship with money has been a love hate relationship one to this day I am trying to get my head around. Don’t get me wrong I am not scared of money that I wont take risks and have debts or loans. As having a life takes risks, its just some risks have bigger out of control outcomes than others. I am a giver and not a taker, which is not good if you do not want to get into debt; if I have got it I give it away and worry about it later. You could say I have never had a plan when it comes to money as long as I can get by. I am so not money driven or a businesswoman as the only thing that drives me in all areas of my life is my heart. Yet the world does not take love as credit or payments for things although I do.
I have not had a constant balance of a flush bank account, mainly due to my bank of mum that always needs raiding for the family. Oh not to mention when our dogs need the vets the bill is huge. It is all a catch 22 because if you only have a certain amount coming in a month extra expenses like pet insurance would mean we would all not eat which would make the insurance pointless. So we budget what is vital and what we can juggle to get by. In a nutshell I have been on the tipping point of debt in my life only to swim to the surface again eventually. Being a single parent and living on a basic income when bringing up kids is not easy. So to get out of situations you have to take risks to improve your situation, which costs money.
Money makes the world go around even if you have got it or not and yet your more noticed by your debt status than if you have never borrowed in your life. Work that one out, you have to be in debt or owe money in some way to be graded on how reliable you are for debt. Being debt free means you don’t qualify or are not recognized in the debt system,
Really I don’t know what is worse being accepted for more or being invisible because you do not need to borrow.
Whatever the reason for borrowing it stirs up loads of emotions, stress or worry, as it is easy to borrow and get in debt but harder to get out of it. Unless a windfall comes your way to bail you out. Life is not cheap and it seems you need more and more of money to have anything past basic living essentials. Money is a bit of a taboo subject really if you’re flush less worry and stress if things are tight then the strain starts to show.
Living from my heart has kept me sane but it does not help my purse. When we borrow from banks or credit cards there is less emotional ties, as it is just a cold contract of expectations. Miss a payment or if you are late you know the punishment your credit rating goes down. Oh no that means my ability for more credit will be harder to acquire. It’s the times when friends or family lend us a helping hand that brings out high emotional ties. If the gifting of money to help is clear-cut for just money sake with nothing else needed then that is all underlined equally. It is when it is gifted for personal needs of needing to be needed. So not only do you have the debt you have the emotional debt on top as if you owe them forever above the money you borrowed. Emotional blackmail or emotional needs are the underlining reason in which to control another by money lending. It is like a money fix of giving to make you feel good and needed.
Money at the end of the day brings about many reasons and meanings behind the act of money giving or borrowing. It has always been used to gain control, whether the control in our own personal lives or to gain from some one else’s need. I am learning to love money and give it no judgment or label it is what it is. An exchange and offering for something in return, my offering first before any money exchanges hands is from a place of love in my heart. If I do not feel love then it’s a robotic action with little thought.
We all come here with nothing and go back home with nothing, we actually own nothing and everything is borrowed to us otherwise we would take it with us when we pass. I am rich in my heart and I am happy with that as it will be my heart bank that I will be taking with me and leaving my money bank behind.
Yes I would like to have more money so I can share my gifts more worldly and widely. To be able to chat to many people about the meaning of life and not the fears created in life. To share about life in all its glory and not the glossy cover story. To share real life and all the emotions real life brings so they are not hidden, as life is a rollercoaster ride which takes understanding to master as life is all about experience. Ok mine is at times top heavy and I am working on the balance, but I am getting there. The one thing I have learnt is keep hold of your emotions like they are the steering wheel in a car, so then you will always have control no matter how out of control life feels.
Master your emotions you have control of your life no matter how deep or shallow your pockets are. Owe what you borrow with a clear heart.
Love what you have even if a pound so you can then love the many pounds that may follow.
Much love to you
Dee xx
BLOG: EMOTIONAL LOAN
If you are anything like me money has been a rollercoaster ride of highs and lows. Just about having enough to be able to have a holiday to being so on the floor that debt is way above my head to juggle. To just getting by week to week on the pounds I have for basic living. I always said to myself when I was younger money would not define me or stop me from living no matter what.
My relationship with money has been a love hate relationship one to this day I am trying to get my head around. Don’t get me wrong I am not scared of money that I wont take risks and have debts or loans. As having a life takes risks, its just some risks have bigger out of control outcomes than others. I am a giver and not a taker, which is not good if you do not want to get into debt; if I have got it I give it away and worry about it later. You could say I have never had a plan when it comes to money as long as I can get by. I am so not money driven or a businesswoman as the only thing that drives me in all areas of my life is my heart. Yet the world does not take love as credit or payments for things although I do.
I have not had a constant balance of a flush bank account, mainly due to my bank of mum that always needs raiding for the family. Oh not to mention when our dogs need the vets the bill is huge. It is all a catch 22 because if you only have a certain amount coming in a month extra expenses like pet insurance would mean we would all not eat which would make the insurance pointless. So we budget what is vital and what we can juggle to get by. In a nutshell I have been on the tipping point of debt in my life only to swim to the surface again eventually. Being a single parent and living on a basic income when bringing up kids is not easy. So to get out of situations you have to take risks to improve your situation, which costs money.
Money makes the world go around even if you have got it or not and yet your more noticed by your debt status than if you have never borrowed in your life. Work that one out, you have to be in debt or owe money in some way to be graded on how reliable you are for debt. Being debt free means you don’t qualify or are not recognized in the debt system,
Really I don’t know what is worse being accepted for more or being invisible because you do not need to borrow.
Whatever the reason for borrowing it stirs up loads of emotions, stress or worry, as it is easy to borrow and get in debt but harder to get out of it. Unless a windfall comes your way to bail you out. Life is not cheap and it seems you need more and more of money to have anything past basic living essentials. Money is a bit of a taboo subject really if you’re flush less worry and stress if things are tight then the strain starts to show.
Living from my heart has kept me sane but it does not help my purse. When we borrow from banks or credit cards there is less emotional ties, as it is just a cold contract of expectations. Miss a payment or if you are late you know the punishment your credit rating goes down. Oh no that means my ability for more credit will be harder to acquire. It’s the times when friends or family lend us a helping hand that brings out high emotional ties. If the gifting of money to help is clear-cut for just money sake with nothing else needed then that is all underlined equally. It is when it is gifted for personal needs of needing to be needed. So not only do you have the debt you have the emotional debt on top as if you owe them forever above the money you borrowed. Emotional blackmail or emotional needs are the underlining reason in which to control another by money lending. It is like a money fix of giving to make you feel good and needed.
Money at the end of the day brings about many reasons and meanings behind the act of money giving or borrowing. It has always been used to gain control, whether the control in our own personal lives or to gain from some one else’s need. I am learning to love money and give it no judgment or label it is what it is. An exchange and offering for something in return, my offering first before any money exchanges hands is from a place of love in my heart. If I do not feel love then it’s a robotic action with little thought.
We all come here with nothing and go back home with nothing, we actually own nothing and everything is borrowed to us otherwise we would take it with us when we pass. I am rich in my heart and I am happy with that as it will be my heart bank that I will be taking with me and leaving my money bank behind.
Yes I would like to have more money so I can share my gifts more worldly and widely. To be able to chat to many people about the meaning of life and not the fears created in life. To share about life in all its glory and not the glossy cover story. To share real life and all the emotions real life brings so they are not hidden, as life is a rollercoaster ride which takes understanding to master as life is all about experience. Ok mine is at times top heavy and I am working on the balance, but I am getting there. The one thing I have learnt is keep hold of your emotions like they are the steering wheel in a car, so then you will always have control no matter how out of control life feels.
Master your emotions you have control of your life no matter how deep or shallow your pockets are. Owe what you borrow with a clear heart.
Love what you have even if a pound so you can then love the many pounds that may follow.
Much love to you
Dee xx
Life at times puzzles me and confuses me only because when I do anything it is with my heart and not with my mind. Caring and living from your heart comes at a price. Not a price tag but a price of judgement of where is your ulterior motive?
Ok living from my heart has not been all plain sailing, as I speak the truth and some people I have met on my path do not like the truth. Yet why would I want to lie to anyone when I thought honesty was the best policy?
I do have to live with myself every second of every day and if something does not sit right in my heart before I sleep at night then this will eat away at my conscience.
I am not perfect and have made loads of what would be called mistakes; I would call them experience regardless of the outcome. Yes we are weighed and sized up after our births, but I did not know this sizing up would be a major factor as we grow up in life.
I learnt from a young age that a life followed created many contradictions, whether we contradict ourselves or towards others. Life is not a straight line, yes we have guidelines in which to follow and rules and regulations, together with demands and expectations. But who really takes the time to get to know one another, after all time and schedules does not give us much time to know ourselves let alone anyone else. As we are too busy holding our life up so we fit in as much as we can.
I have come across in the past criticism if I don’t charge enough for readings as a medium, being told you take too long with a reading, give a taster so they book again! Why? I use to ask myself if I can help them now why not complete the reading. All because time is money you pay xy and z for half hour or an hour. Yet our lives are not the same, some people have more going on than others and need more time.
The alarm bells of my caring heart ring out again, love and care means more to me than money. I vowed when I saw how money had been used as a weapon as a child that money would not define me. My heart will define me no matter how challenging and difficult life got.
Ok yes people may find it odd living from your heart and maybe in doing so, does not fit in how life is run here. But I chose as a child not to fit in as I started out in life not fitting in, so why change my roots. The one thing I worked out after years of abuse, and trauma as a child that I had control of is my heart.
My heart is my clothing and out of that abuse, I started on my journey growing up in the pursuit of love. In adversity I would not accept no matter how much I was hurt or abused or judged or rejected. I would not believe that love did not exist, so Love would be my driving force and my reason why I get up in the morning.
Even if I were not shown love and care it would not give me the reason to not give it back. It would make me more determined to care. I chose not to live on the surface and blend in. who ever I meet in life I see them for who they are deep down inside. I feel if they are happy or sad or confused, the deep down stuff we hide away from the world. As most people cant see how we really feel they go with what we allow our selves to share.
It takes time to understand one another as we are all different and yes I am odd and quirky but that is how I like it. As I feel my heart beating every second of every day reminding me to live from a place of care and giving. So much is taken from us living within the demands of every day life.
We are encouraged to perform to a standard in life rather than be ourselves. We are scared to stand out unless it’s for all the right reasons. We all want to be liked and loved at the end of the day. Yet love does not require anything of you apart from being yourself. Self-love is enjoying who you are, bringing out the best in you because you love to.
At times material things are valued more important than people, and not just because of the price tag. Yet caring costs nothing when you’re not afraid to accept love in any caring manner without questioning it. Love is priceless really when noticed. Yet if something is too cheap it may be judged as not good enough. The key here is quality, quality that matches a price tag. Shows passion and love has gone into the masterpiece or gift and skill.
So if my heart wants to give to you, know it is my way of caring and showing you that I really want the best for you. If I give anything away it is because it is from my heart with no agenda apart from the joy of giving.
Why fear caring when we all get fed up with being hurt, why react to care like we would harm. Care can be used in manipulative ways as a false sense of security but if you’re connected to your own heart then you will alert you. This is where trusting in yourself comes in and knowing yourself enough.
We are all unique for a reason to bring variety and many different experiences to life. Why blend in when you are so unique and so amazing just for being you. Care about you as much as you would an expensive item for you are priceless.
The next time adversity stares you in the face do what I do when I feel out of control in situations, say ya gotta laugh aint ya. This one sentence has got me through my rollercoaster life like a pause button so I can breathe. As some things are out of our control as we can only control ourselves.
Love can be many things and be what ever you want it to be, but one thing love wont do to you is harm you. Love can feel painful when we feel many sides to love, which is where care comes in to support us when we need some comfort.
Embrace care as it gives the quality back into our life.
Care is not a weapon it is a gift.
Much love to you Dee xx
I have been guided to write this my second book Connecting to life’s compass as a gift to the world. I wanted the information in this book to be available to everyone for free. This is why I have not got it published in the traditional sense like my first book by a publisher. I did not want money to get in the way of people having access to it. Like I have said it’s a gift to everyone and anyone who has ever questioned life will find this book interesting.
The information in this book has come from source for those that do not know what that is, it is the consciousness of all life. Like people pray or wish for things they are sending their thoughts out to the universe regardless of what you believe in out there.
This book is about life, going back to go forward past the big bang. It explains why we are all here having a life here, why we have fear and why fear separated our self -connection. It explains about death and many of life’s questions. At times we have searched for the meaning of life but what value is there in knowing the meaning of life if it is not fully understood. This book covers the many feelings we experience through the many challenges that we may face. It explains why you are more than a physical body.
Life is changing, in the old paradigm we have lived under fear for over 250,00 years ruled by ego and judgement and punishment. The new paradigm that we have entered is clearing up miss information and distortion, so truth rises to clear out fear, so we can live in balance again with ourselves and that of earth and the cosmos.
You could say everyone is having a life review, you may have noticed these changes within yourself over the last few years.
Living in fear is over as this caused separation, our connection to life is awakening and this book gives you the guidance to understand life not only around you but also of yourself.
I hope you enjoy reading it and remember how special you are.
Much Love to You dee xx
This has been the pattern of my life; it first came to my attention when I was a teenager when I would be told you are so all or nothing.
At first being young I thought what are you on about?
But on reflection looking back I can see they where right.
You see I just cannot act through life and pretend I feel something when I don’t. I don’t do things by halves; I give my all to what ever I am doing even to nothing.
Through my life I have either been on missions where I am all go, go, go, and I don’t stop until I get the job done even on very little sleep. To laying on the sofa not able to move and the usual housework is such an effort. You could say my life resembles being on a seesaw tipping on the point of all or tipping on nothing. The balance of in between has been a hit and miss or at times lucky to touch base in the middle of both usually on holiday.
I now understand why my life has been a rollercoaster ride of highs and lows with very little in between, because I set myself this way. Or should I say my heart had. It has taken me years and I am nearly 49 this year, to balance my heart so its not so extreme. People used to say as you get older you mellow is this what this means I wonder?
When my children where growing up in our house it was normal for me to change the rooms around every month, because I was fidgety and had energy to burn. When your life is limited in options due to situation and circumstance you turn to what you can do. Turning the house upside down, making it feel all new by moving it around and having a tidy up. Always made me feel better.
Our home was never dull to the random ideas of painting and looking at the walls; I would fix them by putting floor tiles on them to cover up the uneven surface. My all or nothing mind set would not be beaten and any challenge would be faced with challenge accepted no matter what. So this all or nothing gauge that is set inside of myself is handy if you don’t want to give up. I am stubborn and wont give up until I have exhausted every way possible. I am not proud I can let go; I can say I am sorry; I can face anything that life throws at me, with an inner strength of determination of love and passion not fear.
I am not a plodder even though life at times makes me slow down, or as I am getting older my body from time to time slows down. No matter what shape my body is in, my mind is constant working out the next thing to do, thankfully I have not an idle mind. My children reminded me of my fast pace go, go lifestyle when they would say you just cant walk normally can you mum. You rush and walk so fast its like your in a race, I didn’t even realize I did it, I guess all those years bringing up 4 kids on my own and juggling home and jobs didn’t give me much chance to walk slow.
My husband now often says to me what’s the rush? The answer I suppose is I am the rush. Habit over years, fast pace life and juggling your responsibilities. Now I say to my kids I am so lazy and feel like I am in the slow lane now, they reply no your now in the in between and no longer in extreme highs and lows. I have finally reached balance then which is less hectic. Although I am in this phase of my life, the one area that will never change is my heart, and my conscience.
I will never be able to lie or pretend, I have always faced the truth no matter what my punishment. I would rather be honest and face the truth rather than cover my face and hide in a lie.
Ok I have told white lies where it does not harm no one, and really the only person you can hurt is yourself as we have to live with ourselves. Others can walk away from us and go to another room or home or space, at the end of the day we live with ourselves and sleep does not guarantee a break from ourselves if you have an active mind like I do.
Yes honesty is the best policy, no matter how extreme as the truth comes out in the end whether we deny it, voice it, own it or hide it. Truth is truth and my truth is I am an all or nothing girl where I give my all if my heart feels a connection, other times I give nothing not because I do not care but because nothing needs to be said or done. Sometimes doing nothing and not rushing in out of panic gives us space and room to see a bigger picture with more options.
Embrace your all and love your nothing as it the bridge to in between and balance.
Much love to you Dee xx
