When I became an orphan at 4 years old I went to live in a children’s home, I refer to it as an institution.
Life was like being in the military in a way growing up in the home, catholic nuns and staff ran it. It ran like clock work, the time we got up, ate or played and even washed and went to bed. It was how it was managed, my friends would ask me what is it like not having a mum or dad, I would reply what is it like having them.
Living in such a way with so much limitation taught me from a young age about respect and rules. We where not allowed to touch anything apart from any toys that where around. Toys where a luxury so a lot of our fun came from our own imaginations. With a house run like a tight ship, we never dared cross the line, as you do not want to have a roof over your head.
Living with so many children from all walks of life, some stayed a few weeks or a couple of years, I stayed the longest that I almost was part of the furniture. You did not have your own belongings not even clothes as everything was shared. You did not get your own space only within yourself. This is where I learnt to live in my own little box of myself. You did not touch anything that did not belong to you. You did not cross the line.
You made your own bed which back then we had sheets so they had to be made like the hospital beds, no matter how young you was your age did not get you out of chores. Everyone mucked in and helped with the many tasks that had to be done so that life ran like clockwork and on time. If you where late you missed out so time keeping was important. We walked to school and made our own way to activities even if it meant getting a couple of buses on your own at 7 years old. We learnt responsibility from a young age even if we had other children to look after as well.
We where like mini adults in a child’s body, we did not have a mum or dad to look over us or guide us or watch us, we had to face life and stand on our own two feet with no one to hide behind. We did not have people we could blame when life went to shit. What ever happened we had to face the consequences of our own actions!
This kind of upbringing harvested my own space in me, what I call living in my own little world. My life was in my own hands, I had to sort myself out, manage myself well as I knew there would be no one else to blame for the way my life turned out only me. It all comes back to the self so I have set out all these years in mastering myself. So I am comfortable in my own space of me. Yes I keep myself to myself only because I cannot control anyone else or manage no one they have to do it for themselves. Yes we all can do with a helping hand of guidance when we need support. Managing myself is a full time job making sure I am being the best person I can be not only for myself but for those I share my life with.
Life is hard enough and I chose to commit to myself to master myself so I knew myself to the best of my ability. This means I cannot distract myself by being nosey in other people lives. This is not because I am not interested in other people’s lives far from it. I treasure other people and value them. I like to meet people from their core being, not from surface gossip or what is written. I like to meet people from their core truth, which they reflect from deep down inside. Not from the surface reflection, which changes all the time, depending on what mood they maybe in.
I do not like to intrude so if someone wants to share with me they do it off their own back and share what they wish, I don’t go searching for it. I respect other people’s personal space, as this space is our gold within us. Some people may judge me odd as I keep to myself and in my own little world. But you know where to find me if you ever need me.
We live in such gold fish bowls where everything is known or gossiped or highlighted, our every move monitored. So if you meet me and find me odd because I do not know the latest trend, or gossip or every detail of people’s lives is because I keep to myself. It does not mean I am not in life, I just choose to not know and would rather meet people with no information about them, so what we share is in the moment not yesterdays news.
I love living in my own little world, who ever finds me and joins me in my own space of my home know you are welcome and safe. Know you are not judged and know you can be yourself no matter how you feel. My little space I live in is a space of unconditional love with no expectations. I wont know what you know maybe in the glossy magazines or news feeds but I am old fashioned and like meeting you for you face to face.
Yes I am different but I am happy to not know so when I meet people its for the first time with no information so I can do my work as a medium without any gossip getting in the way. I offer you space to bring just you and leave the world outside, so what ever I tune into when I do my work comes from a space of respect and love.
I love you enough to let you be you love me enough to be in my own little world no matter how odd it is.
Much love to you
Dee xx
If you are anything like me money has been a rollercoaster ride of highs and lows. Just about having enough to be able to have a holiday to being so on the floor that debt is way above my head to juggle. To just getting by week to week on the pounds I have for basic living. I always said to myself when I was younger money would not define me or stop me from living no matter what.
My relationship with money has been a love hate relationship one to this day I am trying to get my head around. Don’t get me wrong I am not scared of money that I wont take risks and have debts or loans. As having a life takes risks, its just some risks have bigger out of control outcomes than others. I am a giver and not a taker, which is not good if you do not want to get into debt; if I have got it I give it away and worry about it later. You could say I have never had a plan when it comes to money as long as I can get by. I am so not money driven or a businesswoman as the only thing that drives me in all areas of my life is my heart. Yet the world does not take love as credit or payments for things although I do.
I have not had a constant balance of a flush bank account, mainly due to my bank of mum that always needs raiding for the family. Oh not to mention when our dogs need the vets the bill is huge. It is all a catch 22 because if you only have a certain amount coming in a month extra expenses like pet insurance would mean we would all not eat which would make the insurance pointless. So we budget what is vital and what we can juggle to get by. In a nutshell I have been on the tipping point of debt in my life only to swim to the surface again eventually. Being a single parent and living on a basic income when bringing up kids is not easy. So to get out of situations you have to take risks to improve your situation, which costs money.
Money makes the world go around even if you have got it or not and yet your more noticed by your debt status than if you have never borrowed in your life. Work that one out, you have to be in debt or owe money in some way to be graded on how reliable you are for debt. Being debt free means you don’t qualify or are not recognized in the debt system,
Really I don’t know what is worse being accepted for more or being invisible because you do not need to borrow.
Whatever the reason for borrowing it stirs up loads of emotions, stress or worry, as it is easy to borrow and get in debt but harder to get out of it. Unless a windfall comes your way to bail you out. Life is not cheap and it seems you need more and more of money to have anything past basic living essentials. Money is a bit of a taboo subject really if you’re flush less worry and stress if things are tight then the strain starts to show.
Living from my heart has kept me sane but it does not help my purse. When we borrow from banks or credit cards there is less emotional ties, as it is just a cold contract of expectations. Miss a payment or if you are late you know the punishment your credit rating goes down. Oh no that means my ability for more credit will be harder to acquire. It’s the times when friends or family lend us a helping hand that brings out high emotional ties. If the gifting of money to help is clear-cut for just money sake with nothing else needed then that is all underlined equally. It is when it is gifted for personal needs of needing to be needed. So not only do you have the debt you have the emotional debt on top as if you owe them forever above the money you borrowed. Emotional blackmail or emotional needs are the underlining reason in which to control another by money lending. It is like a money fix of giving to make you feel good and needed.
Money at the end of the day brings about many reasons and meanings behind the act of money giving or borrowing. It has always been used to gain control, whether the control in our own personal lives or to gain from some one else’s need. I am learning to love money and give it no judgment or label it is what it is. An exchange and offering for something in return, my offering first before any money exchanges hands is from a place of love in my heart. If I do not feel love then it’s a robotic action with little thought.
We all come here with nothing and go back home with nothing, we actually own nothing and everything is borrowed to us otherwise we would take it with us when we pass. I am rich in my heart and I am happy with that as it will be my heart bank that I will be taking with me and leaving my money bank behind.
Yes I would like to have more money so I can share my gifts more worldly and widely. To be able to chat to many people about the meaning of life and not the fears created in life. To share about life in all its glory and not the glossy cover story. To share real life and all the emotions real life brings so they are not hidden, as life is a rollercoaster ride which takes understanding to master as life is all about experience. Ok mine is at times top heavy and I am working on the balance, but I am getting there. The one thing I have learnt is keep hold of your emotions like they are the steering wheel in a car, so then you will always have control no matter how out of control life feels.
Master your emotions you have control of your life no matter how deep or shallow your pockets are. Owe what you borrow with a clear heart.
Love what you have even if a pound so you can then love the many pounds that may follow.
Much love to you
Dee xx
BLOG: EMOTIONAL LOAN
If you are anything like me money has been a rollercoaster ride of highs and lows. Just about having enough to be able to have a holiday to being so on the floor that debt is way above my head to juggle. To just getting by week to week on the pounds I have for basic living. I always said to myself when I was younger money would not define me or stop me from living no matter what.
My relationship with money has been a love hate relationship one to this day I am trying to get my head around. Don’t get me wrong I am not scared of money that I wont take risks and have debts or loans. As having a life takes risks, its just some risks have bigger out of control outcomes than others. I am a giver and not a taker, which is not good if you do not want to get into debt; if I have got it I give it away and worry about it later. You could say I have never had a plan when it comes to money as long as I can get by. I am so not money driven or a businesswoman as the only thing that drives me in all areas of my life is my heart. Yet the world does not take love as credit or payments for things although I do.
I have not had a constant balance of a flush bank account, mainly due to my bank of mum that always needs raiding for the family. Oh not to mention when our dogs need the vets the bill is huge. It is all a catch 22 because if you only have a certain amount coming in a month extra expenses like pet insurance would mean we would all not eat which would make the insurance pointless. So we budget what is vital and what we can juggle to get by. In a nutshell I have been on the tipping point of debt in my life only to swim to the surface again eventually. Being a single parent and living on a basic income when bringing up kids is not easy. So to get out of situations you have to take risks to improve your situation, which costs money.
Money makes the world go around even if you have got it or not and yet your more noticed by your debt status than if you have never borrowed in your life. Work that one out, you have to be in debt or owe money in some way to be graded on how reliable you are for debt. Being debt free means you don’t qualify or are not recognized in the debt system,
Really I don’t know what is worse being accepted for more or being invisible because you do not need to borrow.
Whatever the reason for borrowing it stirs up loads of emotions, stress or worry, as it is easy to borrow and get in debt but harder to get out of it. Unless a windfall comes your way to bail you out. Life is not cheap and it seems you need more and more of money to have anything past basic living essentials. Money is a bit of a taboo subject really if you’re flush less worry and stress if things are tight then the strain starts to show.
Living from my heart has kept me sane but it does not help my purse. When we borrow from banks or credit cards there is less emotional ties, as it is just a cold contract of expectations. Miss a payment or if you are late you know the punishment your credit rating goes down. Oh no that means my ability for more credit will be harder to acquire. It’s the times when friends or family lend us a helping hand that brings out high emotional ties. If the gifting of money to help is clear-cut for just money sake with nothing else needed then that is all underlined equally. It is when it is gifted for personal needs of needing to be needed. So not only do you have the debt you have the emotional debt on top as if you owe them forever above the money you borrowed. Emotional blackmail or emotional needs are the underlining reason in which to control another by money lending. It is like a money fix of giving to make you feel good and needed.
Money at the end of the day brings about many reasons and meanings behind the act of money giving or borrowing. It has always been used to gain control, whether the control in our own personal lives or to gain from some one else’s need. I am learning to love money and give it no judgment or label it is what it is. An exchange and offering for something in return, my offering first before any money exchanges hands is from a place of love in my heart. If I do not feel love then it’s a robotic action with little thought.
We all come here with nothing and go back home with nothing, we actually own nothing and everything is borrowed to us otherwise we would take it with us when we pass. I am rich in my heart and I am happy with that as it will be my heart bank that I will be taking with me and leaving my money bank behind.
Yes I would like to have more money so I can share my gifts more worldly and widely. To be able to chat to many people about the meaning of life and not the fears created in life. To share about life in all its glory and not the glossy cover story. To share real life and all the emotions real life brings so they are not hidden, as life is a rollercoaster ride which takes understanding to master as life is all about experience. Ok mine is at times top heavy and I am working on the balance, but I am getting there. The one thing I have learnt is keep hold of your emotions like they are the steering wheel in a car, so then you will always have control no matter how out of control life feels.
Master your emotions you have control of your life no matter how deep or shallow your pockets are. Owe what you borrow with a clear heart.
Love what you have even if a pound so you can then love the many pounds that may follow.
Much love to you
Dee xx
Life at times puzzles me and confuses me only because when I do anything it is with my heart and not with my mind. Caring and living from your heart comes at a price. Not a price tag but a price of judgement of where is your ulterior motive?
Ok living from my heart has not been all plain sailing, as I speak the truth and some people I have met on my path do not like the truth. Yet why would I want to lie to anyone when I thought honesty was the best policy?
I do have to live with myself every second of every day and if something does not sit right in my heart before I sleep at night then this will eat away at my conscience.
I am not perfect and have made loads of what would be called mistakes; I would call them experience regardless of the outcome. Yes we are weighed and sized up after our births, but I did not know this sizing up would be a major factor as we grow up in life.
I learnt from a young age that a life followed created many contradictions, whether we contradict ourselves or towards others. Life is not a straight line, yes we have guidelines in which to follow and rules and regulations, together with demands and expectations. But who really takes the time to get to know one another, after all time and schedules does not give us much time to know ourselves let alone anyone else. As we are too busy holding our life up so we fit in as much as we can.
I have come across in the past criticism if I don’t charge enough for readings as a medium, being told you take too long with a reading, give a taster so they book again! Why? I use to ask myself if I can help them now why not complete the reading. All because time is money you pay xy and z for half hour or an hour. Yet our lives are not the same, some people have more going on than others and need more time.
The alarm bells of my caring heart ring out again, love and care means more to me than money. I vowed when I saw how money had been used as a weapon as a child that money would not define me. My heart will define me no matter how challenging and difficult life got.
Ok yes people may find it odd living from your heart and maybe in doing so, does not fit in how life is run here. But I chose as a child not to fit in as I started out in life not fitting in, so why change my roots. The one thing I worked out after years of abuse, and trauma as a child that I had control of is my heart.
My heart is my clothing and out of that abuse, I started on my journey growing up in the pursuit of love. In adversity I would not accept no matter how much I was hurt or abused or judged or rejected. I would not believe that love did not exist, so Love would be my driving force and my reason why I get up in the morning.
Even if I were not shown love and care it would not give me the reason to not give it back. It would make me more determined to care. I chose not to live on the surface and blend in. who ever I meet in life I see them for who they are deep down inside. I feel if they are happy or sad or confused, the deep down stuff we hide away from the world. As most people cant see how we really feel they go with what we allow our selves to share.
It takes time to understand one another as we are all different and yes I am odd and quirky but that is how I like it. As I feel my heart beating every second of every day reminding me to live from a place of care and giving. So much is taken from us living within the demands of every day life.
We are encouraged to perform to a standard in life rather than be ourselves. We are scared to stand out unless it’s for all the right reasons. We all want to be liked and loved at the end of the day. Yet love does not require anything of you apart from being yourself. Self-love is enjoying who you are, bringing out the best in you because you love to.
At times material things are valued more important than people, and not just because of the price tag. Yet caring costs nothing when you’re not afraid to accept love in any caring manner without questioning it. Love is priceless really when noticed. Yet if something is too cheap it may be judged as not good enough. The key here is quality, quality that matches a price tag. Shows passion and love has gone into the masterpiece or gift and skill.
So if my heart wants to give to you, know it is my way of caring and showing you that I really want the best for you. If I give anything away it is because it is from my heart with no agenda apart from the joy of giving.
Why fear caring when we all get fed up with being hurt, why react to care like we would harm. Care can be used in manipulative ways as a false sense of security but if you’re connected to your own heart then you will alert you. This is where trusting in yourself comes in and knowing yourself enough.
We are all unique for a reason to bring variety and many different experiences to life. Why blend in when you are so unique and so amazing just for being you. Care about you as much as you would an expensive item for you are priceless.
The next time adversity stares you in the face do what I do when I feel out of control in situations, say ya gotta laugh aint ya. This one sentence has got me through my rollercoaster life like a pause button so I can breathe. As some things are out of our control as we can only control ourselves.
Love can be many things and be what ever you want it to be, but one thing love wont do to you is harm you. Love can feel painful when we feel many sides to love, which is where care comes in to support us when we need some comfort.
Embrace care as it gives the quality back into our life.
Care is not a weapon it is a gift.
Much love to you Dee xx
I have been guided to write this my second book Connecting to life’s compass as a gift to the world. I wanted the information in this book to be available to everyone for free. This is why I have not got it published in the traditional sense like my first book by a publisher. I did not want money to get in the way of people having access to it. Like I have said it’s a gift to everyone and anyone who has ever questioned life will find this book interesting.
The information in this book has come from source for those that do not know what that is, it is the consciousness of all life. Like people pray or wish for things they are sending their thoughts out to the universe regardless of what you believe in out there.
This book is about life, going back to go forward past the big bang. It explains why we are all here having a life here, why we have fear and why fear separated our self -connection. It explains about death and many of life’s questions. At times we have searched for the meaning of life but what value is there in knowing the meaning of life if it is not fully understood. This book covers the many feelings we experience through the many challenges that we may face. It explains why you are more than a physical body.
Life is changing, in the old paradigm we have lived under fear for over 250,00 years ruled by ego and judgement and punishment. The new paradigm that we have entered is clearing up miss information and distortion, so truth rises to clear out fear, so we can live in balance again with ourselves and that of earth and the cosmos.
You could say everyone is having a life review, you may have noticed these changes within yourself over the last few years.
Living in fear is over as this caused separation, our connection to life is awakening and this book gives you the guidance to understand life not only around you but also of yourself.
I hope you enjoy reading it and remember how special you are.
Much Love to You dee xx
This has been the pattern of my life; it first came to my attention when I was a teenager when I would be told you are so all or nothing.
At first being young I thought what are you on about?
But on reflection looking back I can see they where right.
You see I just cannot act through life and pretend I feel something when I don’t. I don’t do things by halves; I give my all to what ever I am doing even to nothing.
Through my life I have either been on missions where I am all go, go, go, and I don’t stop until I get the job done even on very little sleep. To laying on the sofa not able to move and the usual housework is such an effort. You could say my life resembles being on a seesaw tipping on the point of all or tipping on nothing. The balance of in between has been a hit and miss or at times lucky to touch base in the middle of both usually on holiday.
I now understand why my life has been a rollercoaster ride of highs and lows with very little in between, because I set myself this way. Or should I say my heart had. It has taken me years and I am nearly 49 this year, to balance my heart so its not so extreme. People used to say as you get older you mellow is this what this means I wonder?
When my children where growing up in our house it was normal for me to change the rooms around every month, because I was fidgety and had energy to burn. When your life is limited in options due to situation and circumstance you turn to what you can do. Turning the house upside down, making it feel all new by moving it around and having a tidy up. Always made me feel better.
Our home was never dull to the random ideas of painting and looking at the walls; I would fix them by putting floor tiles on them to cover up the uneven surface. My all or nothing mind set would not be beaten and any challenge would be faced with challenge accepted no matter what. So this all or nothing gauge that is set inside of myself is handy if you don’t want to give up. I am stubborn and wont give up until I have exhausted every way possible. I am not proud I can let go; I can say I am sorry; I can face anything that life throws at me, with an inner strength of determination of love and passion not fear.
I am not a plodder even though life at times makes me slow down, or as I am getting older my body from time to time slows down. No matter what shape my body is in, my mind is constant working out the next thing to do, thankfully I have not an idle mind. My children reminded me of my fast pace go, go lifestyle when they would say you just cant walk normally can you mum. You rush and walk so fast its like your in a race, I didn’t even realize I did it, I guess all those years bringing up 4 kids on my own and juggling home and jobs didn’t give me much chance to walk slow.
My husband now often says to me what’s the rush? The answer I suppose is I am the rush. Habit over years, fast pace life and juggling your responsibilities. Now I say to my kids I am so lazy and feel like I am in the slow lane now, they reply no your now in the in between and no longer in extreme highs and lows. I have finally reached balance then which is less hectic. Although I am in this phase of my life, the one area that will never change is my heart, and my conscience.
I will never be able to lie or pretend, I have always faced the truth no matter what my punishment. I would rather be honest and face the truth rather than cover my face and hide in a lie.
Ok I have told white lies where it does not harm no one, and really the only person you can hurt is yourself as we have to live with ourselves. Others can walk away from us and go to another room or home or space, at the end of the day we live with ourselves and sleep does not guarantee a break from ourselves if you have an active mind like I do.
Yes honesty is the best policy, no matter how extreme as the truth comes out in the end whether we deny it, voice it, own it or hide it. Truth is truth and my truth is I am an all or nothing girl where I give my all if my heart feels a connection, other times I give nothing not because I do not care but because nothing needs to be said or done. Sometimes doing nothing and not rushing in out of panic gives us space and room to see a bigger picture with more options.
Embrace your all and love your nothing as it the bridge to in between and balance.
Much love to you Dee xx
